Getting to know oneself.

About 3am on Friday, I woke up with some horrible pains in my abdomen. I was scared enough to wake up hubby. They subsided and I went back to sleep. But then, at lunchtime, there was some bleeding. Now, I KNOW lots of rational sensible things, like, "it might be an implantation bleed" and all that and I THOUGHT I knew that pregnancies this early are unsure and many many miscarry and it is just the way things are. I thought that if I miscarried, I would be a bit sad, sorry, but calm and able to accept that it just wasn't meant to be and we could just try again.
WRONG! Was totally hysterical. I was sure I had lost the baby. If it had just been the bleeding, without the earlier pain, I might have been ok. But I was in a complete state, simply bawling. Hubby had to explain to the hospital because I was so upset to speak.
We got another scan and now, progress, there is a "sac" in the right place (i.e. in my womb, obviously) but it is too early to see any "yolk" let alone a heartbeat. The dr. said that was quite normal progress from seeing nothing on Monday and that I had nothing to worry about. Of course, there is still a risk this early, but all seems to be OK.
The biggest shock to me of all was my own reaction. I was completely out of control. I realised just how deeply invested and committed I am to this baby. It is EVERYTHING. Am starting to believe that maybe everything is OK, but we can't be sure at all till January. And even then... I suppose I won't believe this till sprog is 25 and starting his PhD!

This is motherhood then... or something like it. I am completely irrational.

5+6

strEEEEEEEEESSSSSSsssssssssss

Yesterday, "they" came and changed the photocopier so that now we need a card and they didn't even tell us!!! How is that possible?! So of course, I only find out 30 minutes before a meeting when I go to prepare all the documents. I don't have a card; I have to go out in the snow to another building to find someone WITH a card; nobody else's cards are working, ´cause the system is screwed up, and aaaaagggggghhhhhh!!!!!!

It's probably fair to say that I overreacted.

Then, I got really annoyed at said meeting because I was the only one that had prepared, which meant it took 3 times longer than necessary. Not amused.

And then of course I went home and got myself in a right state worrying if the stress could harm the baby!!

I need to find some nice natural ways to calm down. At least PMS only lasts for a couple of days. Today, I have been very busy, but safely tucked away in my office and away from Other People. But I am also now really paranoid that they will just think I am "weird" because they don't know why. On the other hand, my ever so lovely boss did point out that one of the benefits of always being "a grump" was that no-one would notice I was pregnant. hmmm....

But good news too! I got an article published in Human Rights Quarterly, which is a really good American journal :) This is very exciting and justifies all the money I got from a research fund earlier this year :)

The scan was a non-event, by the way, although it was very nice to meet the mid-wife and ask all my stupid questions. We couldn't make out anything on the screen because it was too early. We go back the 7th December, so hopefully by then we will see a heartbeat :)

5+4

My first non-visit to the Dr.

Well, today, the weather was so rubbish I was scared to take the car out, so decided to walk to work. Seeing as I was on foot, I thought, well, I might as well pass the dr. surgery and go in and find out when, what, where and with whom I am supposed to do.

Those who know me will realise that whilst my icelandic grammar is actually not too bad (I can even decline adjectives), my vocabulary leaves a lot to be desired. I did manage to explain that I was pregnant and how far along I was and told the receptionist that I just didn't have a clue when one would be expected to see a dr. and that I was really worried about travelling to Scotland (next week) because my case will be really heavy (and started to cry) and it was my first time and I was scared and bla bla bla....

Well, she directed me to the pregnant woman department (with a whole new name that sounds nothing like the words for either woman or pregnant) and I couldn't find it. Sheepishly went back upstairs to explain. She then phoned the hospital for me and gave me a number to call to book in for a scan. Now, I hate using the phone in Icelandic because it is just so difficult; face to face, you can at least use hand gestures. But a 40 minute walk out of my way to the hospital in a blizzard was not entirely appealing either.

So I gave up on the whole job and came into work and waited for hubby to finish with his meeting. He came in (with car, as it happened, having been braver than me) and we called the hospital together. The only appointment I could get before my trip was for tomorrow, but it was during a meeting here at work that both hubby and I ought to be at. Just bit the bullet and took it. Boss is coming over tonight for dinner, so we will explain then... I THINK I am getting a scan; but ultrasound is one of these Icelandic words that oddly enough I haven't come across before :)

Will let you all know, of course, as soon as I do.

The to tell or not to tell dilemna

Do we tell? Who do we tell? Well, first our boss, 'cause we are making up the schedule for next year and it will screw things up royally if we don't let him know of our planned leave now. So that was agreed, for Monday. He will be discreet.

Best friend back home knows. Good to gossip, also 'cause she is mother-goddess and knows All Things. Spending most of my waking life (which is a lot - pregnancy insomnia) on the ivillage message boards with other newly pregnant women; so complete strangers know.

Hubby "sort of" told someone who was asking him about taking a summer job next year (Wow! That sounds like we are students or something! It is a GOOD summer job!)

No-one else, oh no, we are going to wait.

Well, that lasted a day and a half. Met a colleague at the pool today with his 3 month old baby and I was acting really weird. I offered to help him with the baby (deliver it to mum in the changing room) and he said: "but maybe you are a bit nervous with him" (which i am, 'cause he always bawls when i pick him up - not the best of omens, eh? I digress...). So I said: "well, I am going to have to practise...."

And then I just HAD to tell his wife. So I am not even 5 weeks pregnant, which is actually only 3 since I actually GOT pregnant (this arithmatic reminds me of the Italian football federation...) and I just can't keep my gob shut.

Can I hold it in? No no no no no. Am sure everyone who just looks at me knows anyway. Only visible sign is a big spot on my forehead.

I'll see my mum in about 2 weeks, so I will tell her then; then we see hubby's family the second week in December and once we tell both mums, there won't be a soul in Christendom and possibly beyond who won't have heard ;). I love you Ma, ti voglio bene, Mama :)

4+6

The Alien Adventure

So, I was late.
So, I was a bit tired, a bit overworked. Nothing new there.
So, we agreed, I'd take a test on the weekend if there was no news.
Then yesterday, with some helpful nagging from my best friend back home, I got on with it and went to the chemist.

Hubby got home: "so, did you take the test?"
Me (petulantly): "No, I thought you might want to do it together."

He comes to the bathroom, thinking I am wasting our time and money again...

Two big fat pink lines. No doubt about it.

Just in case, we got another kit, and tried again; big fat blue cross. Positive line was 3 times as thick and dark as the control line. Pregnant. Knocked up. Up the duff. Bun in the oven. Or "heavy" and "unfresh" as the tender local language puts it. Something is inside of me, growing, eating me. Preparing to leap out and change my life forever.

So here is my blog. Finally I think I have something to write about. Plus I need something to DO with myself on maternity leave.

4+5 (4 weeks plus 5 days since the start of my last menstural period - that's how they count it apperently.) Due 19th July 2005. What is due? I still can't use the "b" word....